san diego is a very rotic place. there are beautiful beaches, museums, awesome things to do like hiking, rock climbing, sea kayaking, sailing, hot air ballooning, farmers market shopping, or just good ol fashioned walking. my family used to come here every year for a fun filled vacation of sunny beaches, forced amusement at sea world and the san diego zoo, and of course the very family-esque rotic beaches of coronado island. if you wanted to take family/girlfriend/boyfriend/friendthatsagirl/friendthatsaboy to a night out, it could easily be a wonderful night full of dinner cruises, ferry boats, bike riding, strawberry icecream, and such.

if there are so many fun things to do why am i at home half the time being a hermit? lol, actually i went surfing and got a gnarly cut on my right foot in the shape of a number seven. in the end, no matter what i think of socal its still an incredible blessing to be here. its because of friends that listen to meaningless babbles and impossible dreams. They give us the courage to continue to have faith in what is set out before us when we ourselves get lost or lose hope.

so ive been thinking about what it means to be blessed. Peter mentions a blessing as when God raised up his servant, he sent him first to you to bless you by turning each of you from your wicked ways, Acts 3:26.

so Peter mentions a blessing as being turned away from evil. He allows us to stumble and fall so that our hearts wont be tainted with self righteousness and pride, but gratitude and humility. it guards our hearts by showing us wretched darkness within us and the incredibe grace thats been given to us freely by Jesus who died on the cross.

so i guess its really hard to be blessed, because in order to be blessed we have to give up things in our hearts that have taken the place of God in any small or big way. sometimes its like moving a rock, and sometimes a fortress. sometimes its incredible painful, sometimes its a relief. but in any case, in the end we receive a true blessing for turning away from what is not real but wicked, for something that is merciful, loving, and full of grace. just what will it take for us to receive a blessing?

i think that i get in these periods where i avoid writing on this thing because i try to write things that aren't happening in my life..but when things get all crazy you cant help but leak whats going on in your life onto paper..and when the hell did i start fearing what people think of me

so i have this habit of watching movies when things arent going well in my life. i think that its a way to numb the pain and not think about whats hurting. so i was watching greys anatomy for the first time ever and something they said caught my eye

 if it hurts. It hurts for a reason. its your body's natural defense mechanism to protect your body from doing things that are bad for you.

so if something hurts us why do we continue to do it? If pain is there for a reason to warn us, to keep us from continually hurting ourselves, why is it that we have conditioned ourselves to withstand pain? Is it good to withstand pain? Isn't pain sometimes a good thing? when i'm running and i get pain in my legs or my lungs, or i find that i'm having a hard time breathing, should i just stop or push through the pain?

i feel homeless..lol. its like everything almost fits but it doesn't, you know? like taiwan is great but its not home. it's way too hot and humid, i could never wear all the flowery things or keep my skin white like the girls do here...but the family is fabulous and the food is great.

arizona has family but i dont really have many friends there anymore

san diego is growing on me i suppose but i'm pretty sure i'm moving again next year

san jose is still the best! but haha, we'll see.

i had a weird dream last night that was so real and so distrubing. i was so confused because i didnt understand why God would allow me to have such a horrible dream. i was fretting and worrying about it then i read this verse Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding proverbs 3:5...and i realized that i wasnt trusting in the Lord for something even as trivial as a dream. i just fret and worried and forgot so easily who i really am in the Lord

in the end i feel like lots of people talk about having faith and being faithful to their beliefs. I'm not only talking about being religious, going to a religious something every week, a religious school, or even a religious routine. I'm talking about the daily act or wrestling with the things you read in the Bible, with things in your heart, with Him who gives you the conviction and strength to be able to face these things. not only that, but learning to have a quiet and gentle spirit, trusting in Him. I was really frustrated because no matter how hard i struggled to remain faithful, i always always failed. It was to a point where my heart broke to try and remain faithful, and yet i still wasn't able to. I was still too weak, too sinful, too lacking. But i think that this is the beautiful thing about our faith...that we are weak and so in need of Jesus. when we are faithless, He is still faithful because denying us is like denying Himself. Once we make that choice to believe, we are betrothed to Him and He will never abandon us.

 I duno most of the time i wonder and doubt because i feel really alone and its so hard to hold on when things are so difficult. Its hard because i focus selfishly on myself, which makes it so hard to worship Him. Yet its amazing because when i'm a mess of brokenness and hurt on the ground, He gently scrapes me up, washes and tends to my hurt and pains, and gives me love, redemption, and mercy for the next valley where i'll probably fall on my face again.

someone once told me that a part of the reason why our faith is so sweet is that we have a hope that will never fail us...  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us Romans 5:2,5

to hope is to desire with expectation. It means to long for something with the certainty that the desire will be attained. According to Paul the key to facing suffering is to hope in something that will not fail us. Hope that is certain is not hope for a resolution, but hope in the glory of God. The glory of God is a state of God likeness that has been lost because of sin but will be restored when we see Him face to face. Even in the middle of pain we are able to look forward with great anticipation to share in the glory of all God is and everything He has for us. We can cling to the certainty that in the end, our loving Abba will make it right. And we will be able to sing again.

yesterday i went running in the gym and took a shower..but forgot my towel..  geez who would do that

prayer requests

i've been interning in taiwan and can't believe that time has flown by so fast...i've only got two weeks left at this company. i have been praying for opportunities to share with my coworkers and i finally got the chance to today!! There is a girl that works on the same floor as me and her name is FanFan (ricerice). She's a year younger than I and i've had lots of opportunities to to be able to spend time with her and talk to her. We are two of four girls on our floor so when it comes to giggling about girly things, most of the time we try and share with each other.

today we decided not to eat lunch and just 'sleep' but instead of sleeping, she came over to my cubicle and we talked for a little bit. I had the opportunity to share my testimony with her and why Jesus has been so wonderful and what He offers me. I think that she's never heard about Jesus before so it was such a blessing to share! I shared with her about some heart breaks that have happened and things that I still struggle with. i told her that being a Christian does mean that your life is perfect with the snap of a prayer, but it gives you life and forgiveness for sins. something that nothing else can offer

she shared with me some things that are close to her heart and to my suprise, she really did start crying! but she was smiling..and i just felt so blessed to hear these things. i dont think shes ever told anyone. but keep her in your prayers, that she would be open to the Gospel, that God would use me to love on her, and that i would have the opportunity to pray with her before i leave!